found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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