her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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