I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
