i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
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Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea