This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
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Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I smell like Dick and happiness