Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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