He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
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Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
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I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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