you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
