I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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