My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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