1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
