I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
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Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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