FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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