My underwear smells like fireworks.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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