She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
