Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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