Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
