the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
