Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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