So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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