why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
