Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
