i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
