The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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