when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
