I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
