If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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