fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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