she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
