Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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