you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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