Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
