i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
