I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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