In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
