can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
