I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
