just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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