i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
