it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
