He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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