My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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