I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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