please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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