I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
