I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
