Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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