EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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