im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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