I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
