Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
