What a fucking waste of an outfit
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
