life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
