More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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