god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
