I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
