Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
