ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
