My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
