I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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