nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
