I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
